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Parental Alienation: Epic Pandemic of Emotional Proportion
Written by Darel L. Long: An estimated 450,000 kids every year are affected by Parental Alienation. Overall, little has been done. This is my story.
My name is Darel L. Long and the father of an adult daughter. My daughter has been estranged from me prior to her tenth birthday; she is now 27 years old. I have missed endless years of loving moments I could have shared with her. Thankfully, her beautiful face never had to adorn the back of a milk carton questioning with the haunting words, “Have you seen me?” I never once had to question her physical location. However, the alienation that removed her from my life, drained my ever-present hope of reunion, and the morbid separation yielded a loss like the death of one’s child. Parental Alienation cases across the world range from mild, or in my case, yield extreme results. I know of many others who are going through the same thing and their heartache.
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The irony of my former extreme custody case includes a professional mother who holds an affluent position of director of counseling within a large public school system. Previously, all the professionals involved in our custody case agreed parental alienation existed from the mother and the agitating acts of her abuse never ended.
Writing from the heart
Many encouraged my entry as an author highlighting my personal story. I have been eager to complete my first book titled: Parental Alienation She Changed Her Name. My attempt to complete the book lingers with long suffering, challenging moments, and reflection. Though I’ve endured tremendous difficulty from Parental Alienation, I’m not an angry person. Parents who suffer from Parental Alienation reminisce about the past and suddenly as we feel the loss invading our thoughts, we become angry. Realizing this fact has often been the pivotal reason for my delay in releasing the final updated points with this short story. This is the reason my first book is delayed. This short story was mostly written nearly two years ago, and I’ve delayed sharing it due to many unknown factors.
Estimated 450,000 Kids affected from PAS Every Year
Based on my analysis from what I can find online, approximately 450,000 kids within the US are affected from Parental Alienation every year. This rises to an emotional epidemic occurring year after year without being properly addressed. Little has been done to curb this emotional epidemic. Even with my inquiry into the local school systems within Virginia, the school systems have failed to provide solutions with this relevant matter. As I see it, it’s time to shake things up.
The Definition of Parental Alienation and Data
According to Healthline.com, Parental Alienation is a situation in which one parent uses strategies, sometimes referred to as brainwashing, alienating, or programming, to distance a child from the other parent.
The data supporting Parental Alienation is sparse. I decided the best source for data is gleamed from lawyers who practice Family Law. Four lawyers claimed for every divorce case, three out of ten cases possess some level of malevolent Parental Alienation. This is jaw dropping and horrifying. Three out of 10 cases, or 30% of divorces, hold some element of Parental Alienation.
Ironically, divorce data is held nationally at the CDC under the link called National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends. The most recent data is from 2018 with a total of 782,038 reported. The data also states California, Hawaii, Indiana, Minnesota, and New Mexico were not included in the final report. Conversely, I sought to find the total number of kids impacted each year from divorce, and in various medical journals, a number often referred to 1.5 million children in the U.S. are impacted. Considering the 1.5 million children in the data, I believe the data set is as follows: We should note the CDC data for 782,038 divorces only represent 45 states, including District of Columbia. If the local lawyers average is correct 3 out of 10, we can simply represent this possible trend as 30%.
If the total number of kids affected from divorce is 1,500,000 every year in the US than basic math dictates the following:
1,500,000 as the total number of children impacted from divorce each year and
30% or three out of ten kids,
450,000 Kids are impacted from Parental Alienation Syndrome each year.
I believe this number is a low side reporting due limited number of states codified within the CDC reporting.
Most Americans knew extraordinarily little about the CDC bureaucracy prior to Covid-19. When I ask others if they are aware divorce data is housed at the CDC, many professional and blue-collar citizens alike, were completely unaware of such information. Few are waking up to the broad data the CDC collects. While the mainstream media pivots from deaths from Covid-19 and now focus on cases, I honestly believe Parental Alienation is an underreported “Emotional Pandemic” of epic proportions, and many professionals I have spoken with agree.
The loss of life and loved ones to Covid-19 is a focused reality. For those who can unquestionably confirm their loss from an autopsy report, and for those who are left questioning the actual passing loved ones reportedly passing from Covid-19, but in reality actually died from other diseases, motor accidents, and even reported shark attacks, and other unquestionable data, I’m humble to understand why the overlords from health departments now have the credibility of used car salesmen. By comparison to lives lost, some parents experience a similar feeling of loss from an onslaught of parental alienation. This must change!
If you are personally the parent who is alienated, you should consider every peaceful solution to remedy the loss of your child to regain your relationship with your son or daughter. If more than one child is involved to Parental Alienation, I certainly know your hopes extend to every child you love. I encourage you to never give up the quest to see your kids. Personally, the endless years barren to fun, kindness and an extended family with my daughter eliminated simple things such as us enjoying a meal out while sipping sweet tea, or having breakfast at a movie at the theater, or going to her dance recitals. All holidays, her middle school years, her high school years, the college years, and now her adult years are gone. I was not there to give her hand in marriage to her husband. The heartaches of those years are now a part of my soul. I can’t get them back, so I must steel my emotions daily to just keep going forward.
Expect some Victories and the Feeling of Being Alone
In my case, I went all in to deliver victory and while I won my custody case, but immense health issues emerged. These were followed by one tragedy after another. Endless years of loving hopes are gone, whisked away to be replaced with silence and abandonment. The attempts to connect has been my constant theme. Nonetheless, I’m the victor who was once lost, affected by the challenges that many parents can relate to with similar experiences. If you endure similar challenges, join with your faith, hope, and add the element of creativity. Though darkness may surround you, you may also be rejected by all your family and friends. However, you can rise above against impossible odds to live anew with a new sense of passion and joy. You may truly find yourself all alone, rejected other loved ones, and your friends may reject you. All the rejection can bleed over into your career. Fear and frustration can rob you of your peace and even your sense of sanity.
I’ve always advocated for peace within my own custody case. I encourage the same with other parents who endure the agitating circumstances when opposition choses to take part in the abuse from Parental Alienation. Peace doesn’t imply you perfectly manage each conflict peacefully. It is normal at times a that rage will emerge, as any normal person would express.
Maintain Kindness Amid Conflict
At times, you may resort to being a cussing Christian and unable to manage your grief and anger. After a minor defeat in court due to filings in court, you may lose your composure and lash out. At this moment, you must recognize what you are doing and STOP! Regain your composure. Make sure your primary aim is love, peace, and harmony. You must be calm for the sake of your child. At the same time, if required fight back, follow a competent lawyers advise and your own gut instinct; do your best to take full custody of your child quickly. If you’re Christian based, then I encourage you to embrace a study from the book of Proverbs, which echoes wisdom, and Ephesians and Psalms for the peaceful prose.
NEVER TRUST A PARENT WHO ALIENATES
A parent who participates in Parental Alienation isn’t the same type of parent who has never participated in such abuse. In those cases, many are able coparent their children. But for those parents who endure a mild or extreme form parental alienation, the best solution is to gain full custody. You must work out a plan for the child to see the abuser, but on updated terms, which will be discussed in my book.
An agitating parent who abuses the relationship with a child and the non-agitating parent should never hold the level of power over your child and you. I’ve personally seen the outcome of my own case where my former wife fully participated with Parental Alienation. I know many other parents who suffer from mild to extreme forms of Parental Alienation. As simplicity dictates, it’s in the best interest of the child to live with the loving parent and live less with the abusive parent. Doing so will help curb the abuse and allow the child to live a more normal life. Ideally, the limits placed on the agitating parent can be relaxed over time and awaken the agitating parent to love the child without acts of alienation. While this is the greatest hope, it’s most likely not possible in extreme cases of alienation. Once full custody is obtained, perhaps the best-case scenario may be supervised visitation with the agitating party, later this can be relaxed if all goes well. BE EVER VILIGENT.
The patient and loving parent may also endure endless years trying peaceful solutions with futility. If so, never give up the hope of kindness and realize fear and frustration as the hazy coverage of fog descends into your life. As this form of darkness begins to surround your life, believe you are doing your best and hold onto what you can to keep from giving in to the darkness.
Ripple Effects of Parental Alienation
If your child suffers from long term parental alienation, they may begin to hold close to their other parent; this is terribly similar to “Stockholm Syndrome”. Your child may identify with curated and scripted information and lies presented to them from the agitating parent. Because of this despicable act of alienation, you may never see your child again. I pray this isn’t the case for your situation.
The ripple effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are afflicting your family may include:
Loss of time with your child
Your child loses time with the loving parent
Expect to battle against false reports (abuse, child molestation, abandonment)
Endless legal conflict
Tremendous Financial conflict
Your credit may suffer from the financial pressure
You may become behind with your rent
You may become behind with your car payment
You may become behind with your credit card and other bills
The debt load may inconveniently place you in a homeless scenario
Expect in mild to extreme forms of Alienation for your former spouse to bear false witness against you and you may to limit contact with former friends and even family due to this
The stress and change of income can affect your business and your job
Partial Alienation disrupts the natural life events and will affect you emotionally financially and your friends and family.
The effects of alienation nearly destroyed my future. Unfortunately, it has ruined countless others who suffer from the effects from PA.
We may rebuff our own former choices and surmise if I had done this or done that and in my case once I won shared physical custody I should have continued to fight to obtain Full Custody siting her newest attempts at that time to alienate me from my daughter and on merit I would have prevailed but physically I was defeated by major health issues and yet improved over many years.
Deep inside your subconscious and spirit you know if the opposing parent is capable of co-parenting without future conflict. You don’t need your lawyer, your family, your pastor, or anyone to tell you what you know to be true.
If you know deep in your heart you are more capable to love your child and encourage your child to love the other parent, then you have the valuable essence which the opposing parent doesn’t have. You must be ready to fight and win in court, or perhaps you can agree to an agreement out of court. Exercise your love and show by your loving actions that you are the fair parent, and you can be entrusted with full custody.
Become the Solution
Become the guardian show your capable of fairness against the agitator frequently attempted to undermine your child’s wellbeing through the psychological assault of Parental Alienation I personally urge you to fight for full custody until you are awarded this key fight.
If you’re male, you may have to go against the system with a piece-by-piece approach. I assure you, an agitating parent will show their true reptilian side with scales, but hopefully the smell of sulfur isn’t present. Everything will eventually begin to side in your favor. When this occurs, you haven’t won yet unless you win in court or by an agreement with your lawyer and opposing counsel. This will essentially settle your custody case outside of court, noting you have full custody of your child or children.
Most likely you realize by now the agitating parent holds a “deep controlling personality” and your position should shine the light on the love for your child and always maintain an offensive position. Doing so is the winning card, key or whatever you wish to name it.
You must be determined to help lead your child and yourself to a successful and thriving new family unit.
Find Strength from 2 Timothy 1:7
It is super difficult to play both warrior against your former spouse during divorce and fight for custody at the same time. You must steady your mindset codified simply in a powerful verse.
2 Timothy 1:7 God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and sound mind.
End Daily Comparisons and Doubt, TAKE ACTION
You must end the daily thoughts of ‘why is this so difficult” Well, Mark and Sue got a divorce, and they spend equal time with the kids and can work out simple changes, why is so hard for me? I used to wonder this and compare myself to others.
If you are one of the 3 out of 10 divorces, you must realize quickly you’ve entered the TWILIGHT ZONE of PARENTAL ALIENTION SYNDROME. You must not confuse another person’s divorce where neither parent participates as an abuser but get busy to save your relationship with your child. If not, you’re already in danger and may not even recognize it.
Facts show the abuser found within Parental Alienation is often insecure, masquerades as a professional expert, and refuses to co-parent for the benefit of the child.
It’s also a fact the abused parents are also often insecure. I was certainly insecure during Parental Alienation for the longest part of the court case. But I’ve since emerged as a lion.
I clearly loved my daughter with all my heart, I clearly advanced a loving future, but I lacked the reality of understanding the immediate circumstances which surrounded me at that time. I should have realized who was the enemy of my daughter was early on and filed for abandonment when her mother walked out the door. I was too weak, and I was ashamed.
My heart weighed heavily to do everything possible to save our family when I should have solely focused on obtaining full custody. In truth, I felt deeply alone, rejected, and abandoned by the idea of family. An evil spouse will use any perceived weakness against you to favor their own twisted agenda.
If your feel like you’re drowning from Parental Alienation, it’s time to pray for a loving heart to be replaced from anger and frustration. Forgive your spouse and at the same exact time be ready to fight peacefully through the courts to show your love for your child. Expect to be demoralized, endure false allegations and fight hard. At some point, when you realize your loving advances are being accomplished, you will see your former spouse become nice, pleasant and accommodating. Once you see this new, NICE pattern emerge, you should dismiss any attempt to undermine your influence with a sudden nice demeaner from the agitator; it’s just BAIT! Don’t take the bait, don’t be a sucker.
When they realize they are on the wrong side and near defeat The agitating spouse may even seduce your interest back to the bedroom. I cannot stress it enough to say you are being manipulated and you must have the strength to leave it alone and reject the tempest over virtue.
The endless times I appeared in court and the support of others who battle Alienation has taught me one important fact: this may be the most important battle you fight.
I’ve also stood on the sidelines watching other parents who have also fought for years and realize the agitating parent used every tactic possible to run out the legal clock and the kids no longer know anything about their own loving parent. They’ve been so alienated that no attempt is made to connect because they do not know the truth. Sadly, for some the legal limits have ended. If you have fought a long and honorable attempt to know your child, I’ve learned during endless challenges there is always ONE MORE THING you can do. It’s never too late to make another attempt, even if you have made hundreds of attempts.
The Darkest Day
If parental alienation is indoctrinated into your child, there will be a day in your life that you stand and feel utterly defeated. I also stood apart watching my former wife gain professional acceptance as a counselor of children in a large school system. To me it’s exactly like a repugnant pedophile who operates a childcare center. She has no business counseling children when she has alienated her own daughter from her father. No one knows what level of damage she has inflicted on the children in her “care.”
I will never lose sight of my hopes of a reunion with my daughter. If the day never arrives, and your child reaches the legal age of maturity, they may choose to remain with the abuser instead of reaching out to you. When this day occurs, it may be the darkest day on earth for you and it may take weeks, months, or even years before you change your perspective and love your child from a distance.
I encourage you to focus on solutions to bridge the gap. It’s nearly impossible to know the outcome but do all things in love and see what happens. If all else fails, embrace wisdom and wise counsel. Personally speaking, I’m at my last fork on the road with my own circumstances and time is drawing near for a final creative step.
It’s possible at the time of this reading you have settled into the reality you may not have any legal recourse due to legal limits. My mantra is “continue to try with your best effort” you may be rejected but trying is better than never attempting to try.
Maybe you should consider contacting your lawyer and asking your lawyer to reach out to your spouse’s former or current lawyer to seek positive resolution with a reunion with your child. It certainly it can’t hurt.
You could try a simple letter from you, written to the abuser’s lawyer, stating: Mr. X, My client would like to establish a time to discuss a reunion with their child and we would like to receive your reply within 10 days. Sincerely, Lawyer from Loving Parent. If you believe it’s best for you to write the letter yourself, sending it to your former spouse as a simple and short letter, this can be effective as well.
Do know that such a letter will likely be ignored if you have spent many years with lawyers fighting it out in court. After years of conflict, the abusive parent may, in cases of extreme PA, perceive the letter as a weakness and will go unanswered. If so, then brainstorm ways to break free of PA for the last time. After your reply goes unanswered, and if you can retain your composure and not be reactive and easily inflamed, simply challenge the abusive parent to a live, public debate to bring awareness to your plight. Advocate for others in your community in support of the debate, and this may be one of hundreds of ways to overcome and find victory.
If legal limits and finances have vanquished you, you should never yield your creative effort to end nor acquiesce to defeat. Continue with your hopes, but don’t allow the hardships and abandonment you face to undermine the spirit God has given to you to prevail. I assure your long suffering isn’t in vain. You can climb the hill of pain with or without your friends, family, or church. You can do it alone, with God’s help. You will be raised up far greater than at any other time in your life. Some paths in life are meant for each of us to walk alone until an appointed time.
There should never be a time in the future where you should accept loss and acquiesce to a deep loss to any agitating parent, no matter if they are police officers, directors of counseling in a school system, doctors, lawyers, or even if they are janitors. Advance all your actions as peaceful and with creativity. At some point you should expect a turnaround and connection with your estranged children, so help me God.
I’ve personally known, and even supported, other parents who endure Parental Alienation. If you advance the cause early, you have about a 75% chance to recover your relationship with your child. If you are required to fight longer than one year, the possibility of success within relevant cases drops to 15% or less. Both data points are based solely on my own experience and the personal knowledge from others.
Disparity and Posture
After considerable reflection, I noticed a trend which was true of my own custody case and including friends who endured Parental Alienation, and others with whom I’ve discussed this topic. This includes:
Economic disparity: In most cases the agitating parent holds the greater income
Defensive Posture: Early on, the abusive parent will likely place you in a defensive posture
The agitating party will invariably use their economic wellbeing against the parent who is abused and may choose a fake offensive PLOT against the loving parent who seeks the wellbeing of the child. If your income is less than the agitating party, you can automatically expect to defend yourself from false assertions and innuendos. Some may even make over the top claims of sexual or physical abuse, and or other abuses to hide their own assault on reality. This is known as Parental Alienation. If so, you must firmly understand this point quickly. If you’re accused of false allegations, expect to be demoralized. Surround yourself with people who love you and so you can quickly gain the upper hand and never give up.
If you’re not able to agree or mediate a positive and loving position for your child outside of court, you must locate an experienced Family Lawyer who has had immense experience with Parental Alienation in the court room. You must convince your lawyer to always stay on the OFFENCE.
My Greatest Mistake
My greatest mistake, early on in my custody case, was trusting a woman who had been unfaithful to me and then to undermine my relationship with my daughter. Logic and reason should have provided the proper playing field, but I was too emotionally hurt to see the facts properly. Early on, it was my former wife who hired a lawyer who sought to “mediate”. The lawyer she hired sought to squelch the results; thankfully, my own bitterness at that time saved me from my former wife’s diabolical plans. But this only served to have me deal with her senseless and diabolical plans for years to come.
Be The Quarterback
If you’re the parent and victim of parental alienation, the moment you turn over the ball during this game (and believe me it’s a huge game played out in the courts), they will begin to run the ball down the field and they will use every tactic possible to score every point against you. You must be the quarterback in this game. Your lawyer is invited to the game, as the coach and legal counsel. The moment you turn over the ball to opposing counsel, you must look for every opportunity for them to fumble the ball, and they will fumble. I must warn you that, you WILL be hurt. However, you need to keep your vision squarely on the love of your child, and you need to fight while you never give up. I assure you, if you are playing this life changing game against an evil appointment, they will make every effort to demoralize your loving hopes. During the years I’ve spent on the sidelines encouraging other loving parents, I’ve seen the very worst in their lives, as well as my former wife’s attempts to undermine, disrupt and destroy.
The hardest lesson I learned during the insane length of my own custody case, the first part which lasted six years and three months, was not listening to on my own gut instinct. When we fail to listen to our God-given instinct, we are demoralized by the agitating parent.
When my custody case first began, I first utilized 9 different lawyers. I spent roughly $45,000.00 on them. The first nine lawyers were all supposedly top-rated local lawyers; only two of the first group of lawyers I used could be called great.
Spot the Fuss and Slow the Sass
After one of the lawyers sent a refund noting his promotion to judgeship, I located another lawyer who turned out to be the best lawyer for my circumstances at that time. She was amazing. She was quick to spot the fuss and slow the sass. Later, professionals begin to emerge with reports that Parental Alienation existed with my custody battle. She quickly formed offense and defensive moves as any good lawyer would propose. She helped land small victories over a six year and three-month period. She labeled my former wife and her husband as “Ozzy and Harriet”, noting the appearance of her professional life and training was a façade that could be liked to the TV show.
The brilliant lawyer, who began providing small victories, is Donna Knox. She began a creative legal assault against my former wife’s fake realities. After a time, I received recommendations for shared physical custody; Judge Bounds joined with the recommendations. I was excited to land such a huge victory for the sake of my daughter’s future. However, the case has extended in some form until this very day. Even though she is an adult, I still haven’t seen my daughter due to the creative parental alienation from my former wife.
A Banking Job
Many professionals, friends, and family urged me to author a book about the challenges from Parental Alienation many years ago. The timing was never right. The conflict and the underlying effects I dealt with was the money I borrowed to support my custody case. My custody case began to run in favor of my daughter and me and with an improved income after I started working for a large bank. I competed for limited sale positions for the bank, and it was revealed my personality test score was high. While in the waiting room, I meet others who applied who had degrees in business, some with multiple degrees. I was immensely proud when I received the job offer. My training began at the same time I began the process of legal separation from my former spouse, and the training was intense. At that time, I had never used a computer. The last time I used a keyboard was in high school typing class and it took me forever to locate letters and numbers. I was the slowest in the training class and my classmates knew it. The bank was growing and was the first to offer major phone banking services; they needed trained staff during the transition, and I needed the job.
Hunt and Peck New Hire
Though no one asked me about my computer skills at that time, I felt I had to keep the information to myself for fear my job offer would be severely impacted. The trainer picked up quickly that I was a hunt and peck new hire. Originally, she frowned upon this fact, but she knew how difficult life was at the time and she encouraged my best each day.
Going through the legal separation and learning how to use a computer at the same time while also starting a lengthy training class, proved to overwhelming. I found myself pages behind our classroom training, and I was still working in retail. At times, I had to remove myself from my training to talk to my lawyers. It was difficult to return to class after dealing with custody and legal updates. I honestly thought the bank was going to fire me. That’s when two kind people witnessed my struggles and stepped into to offer help. First, was my bank trainer; she realized the struggles with my custody case and my limited computer skills. She pulled me aside and suggested I return to the next training class. She suggested the pause may give me time to reflect on my custody case so I could better focus during the next class. She drafted a short report, turned it into HR, and I was released the same day with notice to return to training a few months later. I kept my job part-time job as a Sears sales consultant in electronics. I also continued with a part-time job working a few nights after work at Gymboree.
The second person who stepped up was my sales manager at Sears. I told him I was lost and had no idea how to use a computer. He invited me to his home and let me borrow his computer and provided VHS tapes that showed me how to operate one. I returned to my training with the knowledge of how to operate a computer. I worked hard to learn the basics so when I returned, I was more proficient with the keyboard and computer. After completion of the bank training, I moved forward, often at the top of bank sales.
Personally speaking, to excel in banking was a new accomplishment. My success felt dimmed with how difficult the custody case was becoming. I felt a need to excel in a new profession while at the same time I was struggling deeply with my legal issues. The timing of both was incredible, but I was learning how to compartmentalize the chaos from my private life from my professional life. This new-found skill has proven to assist me to this very day.
Soon after I completed my bank training, the costs to support my case began to grow expediently and exponentially. During the first six year and three months part of my custody case, I began to suffer tremendously with my finances. It became difficult to maintain my rent, pay the electric, pay the lawyers, pay the professionals, and pay for everyday living expenses. At that time, my credit score was around 780.
Maxed Out and Stressed Out
More demands for legal fees and additional court filings required more MONEY. I tried to borrow another $10K but I was turned down due to the debt load at that time, also known as deft-fraction-burden. I applied with another lender with the same answer.
In desperation, I was introduced to people from DC and another location. They were loan sharks, and their money lending rates were insanely high. I did my level best to continue my custody case without suffering a release of representation from any lawyer.
Loan Shark Chaos
The first loan shark refused to provide small sums and the minimum amount provided was $25,000.00. It was my plan to pay off the sum from several discretionary payouts from my job in banking. For the first time since I worked as a banker, I missed one of the discretionary payouts and thus had to scramble to make the required payment to the loan shark. The situation with the loan sharks only escalated and quickly overtime doubled, then tripled.
For a while, I kept the information about the debt quiet. I later shared with a few people the urgent issues. Soon after the debt exceeded $120,000.00, threats were issued against me from the primary loan shark. I liquidated an investment account which had grown exponentially from my own direction and applied $40,000.00 to the debt. The lump sum payout created peace for a while.
I should have never paid out the $40,000.00
I should have believed more in myself than depleting valuable assets, which I personally grew from options trading. Instead, I should have swept the $40K into a trading account that I controlled and traded a portion each week. I could have easily overcome all financial issues, but I lacked the gumption to prevail at that time. I was mainly focused on my custody case and job.
During the same time, my custody case continued and the final report from the professionals suggested shared physical custody with my daughter to hopefully eliminate the effects of Parental Alienation from her mother. I was incredibly happy to hear the news.
My lawyer felt at peace with the recommendations; however, our fear was based on her mother’s schedule, who working in the school system. She had more available time than I did. The other concern was based on her schedule during the summer months, being off many months in a row. As a banker, I didn’t have this luxury.
I chose to resign from my role as a banker to ensure I could be available for my daughter. I wanted to have greater time with my daughter than her mother could working, who in the school system. After I resigned from my job in banking, I begin an internet venture in support of Roses. Finally, I believed I had a victory allowing me to spend quality time with my daughter that was around the corner, and success was at hand. Judge Bounds supported the professional reports, and I was ecstatic.
I did leave my job on my own terms, and for about a year I supplied a loving and kind family life for my daughter. Together she and I worked toward our own family unit of two. She favored dinner from the crock pot, she loved breakfast for lunch and dinner on the weekends, and I was able to give great attention towards her needs every month and every other weekend when she was with me.
Loan Shark and Court Conflict
The underlying conflict with loan sharks was based on a gentleman’s agreement. They limited all contact to the phones they provided. I carried their phones for years and every time one of them rang, I immediately had a negative sinking feeling of anxiety. The very last time I used their phones was January 2019.
I went from court conflict from my former wife to conflict with two loan sharks. Later, an oddity emerged with the loan sharks: a genuine concern for resolve was offered, suspending all late fees (often late fees equaled $2000.00 or more each month). They suspended all interest. It was likened to a ZERO interest, no fee offer from Discover credit card. It was an unheard-of offer from loan sharks. One even mentioned they liked the fact I put my daughter first, and so they were giving me a break. I began earning advertising money paid directly to my website. I began making $5,000 monthly payments to each loan shark. Suddenly my life was led with passion, and my daughter was with me every other month full time. It was a great feeling. At that time, with $10,000.00 principal payments going to the loan sharks, I was not that stressed out with my life. Even though my Saab 900 Turbo was falling apart, and I had barely enough to live on, I looked forward to the month my daughter was with me, and the weekends we shared. This period was one of the best times because I was paying off the loan sharks and my daughter and I were together every other month without court conflict. I seldom went out with anyone and focused on resolution of my debts with the loan sharks, watched the Andy Griffith Show at 5:00 pm, and so life was peaceful at that time.
After the major win in court, my daughter was placed in my care the first month. I could not afford furniture for her room, so I built my own furniture for her. She picked out the paint and painted her room pink and purple. I placed glow in the dark stars above her bed on the ceiling, and during one of our trips to a store, she and I picked out a lava lamp. Of course, it was also purple and pink!
I was able to spend a lot of time with her during our last year together.
My health began to fail and sometimes I was forced to seek out her mother’s help. Wanting to be respectful to her mother, I asked for her to accommodate my time when I was unable to be with my daughter. My daughter’s mother never once agreed to modified or changed weekends. The times I passed her to her mother, her mother never allowed for a single time to as good faith regarding time.
As my health began to rapidly fail, I began earning less with my website. Suddenly, I began decreasing the principle sums payable to the loan sharks.
Endless visits to the hospital and doctors began a new way of life. On rare occasions, my daughter visited me in the hospital, but mostly my time with my daughter decreased. Health issues increased and time with my daughter declined.
The loan sharks on the other hand respected our gentleman’s agreement. They knew as a former banker that I was capable of the vast repayment. When they make it more financially viable to repay the principle sum, they realized my strong effort to repay the debt. They also knew my health began to decline. At times, the loan sharks showed greater courtesy and respect than my former wife provided. Still, the debt with the loan sharks existed and I knew the challenges ahead if the debt wasn’t paid off in full.
Enter Bad Real Estate Lawyer
I persistently moved forward with various solutions and later began wholesaling homes. A real estate lawyer created what I perceived to be valid contracts for me, and I began earning money from wholesaling properties as well as the money from online advertising. The law firm that completed the real estate agreements would later ask me not to use the agreements they created. I discovered the contracts created by the law firm were invalid, and my resurrection into the financial world hit another snag. The chaos created by the law firm was vast and the results created an opportunity to resolve serious issues, and so I did.
If issues erupt from incompetent professionals in my future, you can bet I will act. Everything in my life was stretched so thin it was nearly impossible to navigate through constant chaos. All my resources had to focus on solutions, and not oppose every misdeed orchestrated against me. During this same time, I never saw my daughter. During the holidays, I was reduced to taking sleeping pills and sleeping day and night. My despair was so great I couldn’t stand to see happy people, families and all the glitter associated with the holidays.
My life was reduced to loan sharks, conflict derived from incorrectly written agreements by lawyers, and the absence from my daughter. My life was pure hell from the moment I awoke to the time I closed my eyes to go to sleep.
My health continued to decline and after my daughter 18th birthday, more issues began to emerge, and progress slowed. Conflicts rose and my health turned south all at the same time. With my strong effort to apply $10,000.00 each month toward the balance for the loan sharks, my income dropped substantially and the large principle payments were no longer possible. The loan sharks began applying late fees and high interest. Since I’m not the person to admit defeat but seek solutions, I chose to look for solutions. I was hit with the realization the debt with the loan sharks now exceeded $225,000. This amount was growing by the thousands each week. I was in panic mode.
I contacted the loan sharks and asked for a meeting. I was scared but didn’t want them to see it. I made my case to allow me to pay principle payments only for a short period. I asked them to allow me to suspend payments for at least one year. At first, I thought my offer was crazy and they would never agree. One looked over at me and spoke, “YES, now get the hell out.” The second said, “Well, if he says yes, I’ll accept the same deal.” To be honest, I wasn’t certain how I was going to make the deal work, but I knew I had the creativity to figure this out.
Now GOD gets the credit for favor. I began attending a church and the pastor was also a graduate of Blacksburg High School where I went. He met with me one afternoon and prayed for peace with all agitators in my life. Soon after I meet with him, small doors began to open for me. The first answer to prayer was with loan sharks who had a sordid history of harm. A few days after that, other small miracles started to happen. I didn’t trust many people and had I not meet this pastor, I don’t know what would have happened to me. When we were kids, we attended Vacation Bible School and I knew him slightly in high school. Reaching out to him at that time was my last and final attempt to work with anyone in any church. He is an incredibly sincere and down to earth man. I honestly didn’t expect God to answer my prayers, but I wanted to have faith and needed help.
I began wholesaling properties again and making some money. About this time, with a different format, I discovered a region which may have provided more large lump sum profits than local sales. It worked, but with an underestimation of deals, I progressed but not with the progress I had hoped to have. Nonetheless, the improvement was vastly better that previously and this led to other victories.
During this entire time, I made many attempts to contact my daughter, but with no success.
Daughters college debt of $100,000.00
My former wife suddenly emerged to demand full college tuition reimbursement within 15 days for a cost over $100,000.00. It was ironic I was ignored by both my former wife and my daughter during her college years. I found out the truth why this occurred much later. I was eager to help pay my daughter’s college tuition monthly. Years before, when I paid off child support and medical costs in a lump sum, her lawyer ignored my pleas until my daughter graduated from college. It was possible to repay the sum over a period, but the demand for 15 days was utterly ridiculous.
I had a suspicion that the tuition amount they demanded was not correct. I asked for verification of the debt and the net college expenses from her college. Later, after hiring two different lawyers, the demand for $100,000.00 was later dropped to $40,000.00 from the judge. The $60,000 inflated demand was my former wife’s way of once again trying to be sneaky and get more money from me.
My representative lawyer tried to obtain a payment arraignment during the same period my former wife had originally paid equal to the term she was in college. She certainly didn’t pay $40,000 in 15 days. The judge denied the request favoring four payments $10,000.00 each. My lawyer was fully aware of the underlying threat from loan sharks. I was asked not to attend most of those hearings by my lawyer so I’m not sure if he explained to the court the extent of the situation or not. The lawyer had been great previously, but the result with this lawyer later became lazy. His actions led to huge complications for me.
During this entire time, I hadn’t seen my daughter in years.
2017 and $702,083.00
In early 2017, my new plan for real estate began to remedy my debt with the loan sharks, and other debt. I knew in my heart if things progressed, a viable solution to breathe new financial life into the future was possible. The debt held with loan sharks would easily be considered humongous by anyone. At that time, the overall debt with loan sharks exceeded $702,083. I was on the verge of answering the problem with a reset of funds.
Of course, it wasn’t possible to pay the loan sharks their demands and the court order for four $10,000 payments to my former wife for college debt from my daughter.
To express it mildly, I was working with the loan sharks to preserve my own life. Had I not placed them first for payout, panic would have reverberated in my life, and payout to my former wife may not have occurred. The matter before the court was also a matter of principle.
My good fortune with my idea began to pay off my debt, however slow. As previously mentioned, I paid the loan sharks and debt to others. This was impacted by threats to me by the loan sharks. And I was still dealing with the conflict created by the lawyer who incorrectly wrote previous agreements.
At one point, the loan sharks took, by force, funds set aside for other contracts. This fact only added more conflict to the years, and I’ve done my level best to overcome, even amid COVID hysteria.
Wholesaling foreign properties, DarelsDeals.com (no longer available), and the Contempt Order that Landed Me 30 days in Jail
I later began a coupon website. It was about to launch, and I secured several contracts exceeding $25,000.00 in advertising revenue, to be paid the middle of August 2018. I knew once received, it may take the bank 3-7 working days to clear the funds. I proposed to an interested business lawyer, and my lawyer of record, a modification of the agreement. Both my lawyers worked two separate requests. My former wife’s lawyer reached out to my former wife, and they declined a modification of the agreement. Since I was in contempt of the order, and my former wife refused to modify the agreement, she essentially forced me into the judge’s previous order. I served 30-days in jail at Western Virginia Regional Jail, located in Salem, Virginia.
Leading up to jail and after my release, I have never seen my daughter. Legally, all my former wife had to do was agree to a modification of the order and I could have stayed free. I could have deposited the check set to be mailed in August 2018 and I could have paid her $10,000 at that time. Sadly, I never benefited from the check I received after I was released because the contracted source cancelled the check after I didn’t return their call. I had no way to call them from jail without having access to my mobile phone. I was released from jail after a month and by then it was too late. After months of working on DarelsDeals.com, which no longer exists, I also realized it was nearly impossible to restart the website. My ex-wife was so blinded by hate ever since I filed to be a part of my daughter’s life. The only time she has suspended any engagement of wrath was due to a surgical procedure which is only time since my daughter was 3 years old.
After the destruction of work put into my website and the two closings I lost from the West Indies, I was heartbroken.
After My Release, They File Again
Months after my release, I received another hearing request. This time, I decided to fire my lawyer and begin anew. A friend of mine, who is a sitting judge, suggested my most recent lawyer, and he’s been impressive.
My former wife’s lawyer filed a motion after my release from jail asking for resolve to the debt by supporting one year in jail for not paying the balance. My lawyer worked out an agreement with success in regards of the terms, then COVID-19 hit.
All loan sharks paid in full as of January 2019
In January 2019, I paid off the last debt to the loan sharks. Paying the loan sharks off was nearly impossible, but I did it. While they may be perceived as thugs, they kept things simple, and everything was based on a handshake. Yes, they are ruthless, and they always demand street justice, but the day I told them I had the money, they replied, “Where do we meet?” I paid them off and since then they have never contacted me. I want to emphasize at time, the loan sharks were more respectful to me than my former wife ever was.
I would never fault my daughter for jumping to conclusions, but I do place the conflict at the feet of her mother, her stepfather, and her grandmother. All of them participated in Parental Alienation.
The conflict never broke my will to survive. That’s not to say I didn’t lose hope a few hours here and there. The 30 days in jail also pales in comparison to over 27 years of struggle without a positive resolution with my daughter. I have overcome in such a way similar to the story of Job.
A Few Thoughts
As of the date of this writing, I’ve witnessed no positive sign of a reunion with my daughter. In fact, all attempts have been rejected. I’ve spent the last 28 years drenched with fear, challenges which few understand, nor care to understand. The fear is only matched with my prevailing hope of a reunion with her and a desire to help other parents dealing with PA.
This article is made possible from inspiration of years of dealing with PA. It was always my hope to co-parent our daughter, but her mother made it impossible to do so.
This article was also inspired from recent events and people in my life. I’m thankful I took the advice of my high school English teacher who encouraged me to “write about it.”
The timeline of this story began when my daughter was three years old or roughly, 26 years ago. The last time she and I spent time together was when I was hospitalized, many years ago. It was impossible to write about this during times of peaked chaos. The pain was too fresh to write about, and even now, this is a very hard thing to share.
Many who endure Parental Alienation are less likely to lead a normal life or celebrate life as valiantly as others. You may know someone who has drank from the cup of Parental Alienation discourse and if so, you must recognize the deep lose they endure. After years of great conflict and long suffering, I’m thankful to emerge to hold two bold ideas One is for the aeronautics industry and the other is free energy solutions with product reveals this year. I’m thankful to hold the creative identity to begin a site to help save our kids from the monster vaxers called MonsterJabbers.com. A unique online shopping site called Elevated Goods is also slated to start soon. Soon to emerge is my first newsletter titled Bold Pronouncement. My thankfulness also extends to friends, supporters, and for those who believed in me but didn’t understand the vast conflict as I’ve outlined here. Primarily, the one who gets my greatest thanks is to Jesus for saving my life. Amid muddy waters, He is providing protection and preservation during times of complete chaos.
As you personally cross paths with others, you may draw incorrect conclusions about circumstances, facts, and label the person with unkind words and deeds. We must refrain from labels simply because not everyone can announce complicated and problematic issues. I’ve endured great harm from false accusations when it wasn’t possible for me to present the facts.
Are you currently dealing with Parental Alienation Syndrome?
I could never imagine the long suffering, fear and restless spirit from within from the effects of PA. For all the money I spent with lawyers, I could have paid cash for a lovely home. The conflict resulting from the cases were endless. At times, I became a complete recluse, never to emerge from home unless it was for work, court, and home again. The highlight of the timeline shared was spending loving moments with my daughter. If you have entered the reality of Parental Alienation, you should know every insecurity you never dealt with previously will emerge. I think my own insecurities at the time hindered my own quest for resolve. The best answers for PA will be unique to your own situation. In the last 26 years, I’ve concluded that if you and your kids are being abused by an agitating parent who participates in PA, you should hasten your best effort to gain full custody of your child. Never allow the abusive parent to hold full custody or even joint custody. Doing so will remove control from the agitating parent and restore a more natural family for the child. If you believe PA exists, quickly realize your divorce circumstances differ from other divorces and protect and guard your kid(s) from PA. I’ve personally known over 40 parents who endured PA, and few have risen above to see their kids within the boundaries of normalcy. Only one went on to co-parent their child after professional realizations the PA existed. For this reason, you must decide to FIGHT OR LOSE. Just remember one important fact; Sometimes you can win but also lose. I encourage you to FIGHT and surround yourself with people who have your best interest.
To My Daughter
To my daughter, if you are reading this, please know how much I love you. I’ll never forget the day we found out we were having a girl and you were born. I was ready to defend you with all my being and to love you. I’ll never forget seeing your eyes as you looked at me when I picked you up from the crib. I’ll never forget the first kitty you followed and tried to catch its tail. I thought it was great to teach you how to swim underwater. The first snowball we froze at our apartment, I kept it frozen nearly 15 years until the power was out for a while. I’ll never forget the many nights we spent in your room reading poetry during our Purple, Pink and Poetry Night. I’ll never forget how you excelled at school, and I’ll never forget the many mornings you sat down on the floor as I turned your bedhead hair into sleek pigtails. I’ve never forgotten you, not one day, nor a single month has passed without me thinking of you. With all my heart, I hope one day you will contact me. I have much to share with you, and you need to know I did write to your stepfather and mother to request to sit down and discuss how we could come to friendly terms regarding you. Both ignored my request. I’m frequently in your hometown every couple of months. I love you with all my heart, Dad
Love is the Greatest Defender
Darel L. Long
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